A Twin Advises Parents: Keep Your Twins Together in School

The principal smiled at each twin. She looked directly at the mother and said, "It's our policy to separate twins, so they develop their own personalities. We don’t compare..We see them as individuals."

Freeze. Wait a minute. This isn't right. Why would you separate something–people–who bonded before birth? What's wrong with this picture?

I'll tell you what's wrong. Everything! It's wrong to separate twins. I know, I speak from experience. I'm one of the twins who gripped that counter; the other twin was my sister, Robin. We were separated in school, beginning with kindergarten and ending in seventh grade.

Let’s rewind and return to the first statement made by the school’s principal: "Separate twins so they develop their own personality.” Give me a break. Every child develops a personality before age five. I already had my own distinct personality, as did Robin. Robin was the tomboy; I loved to play dress-up and "pretend." Even though we liked different things, we were the best of friends. Sadly, we did not remain the best of friends, because we were separated.

Throughout grade school, I was placed in a class with children from our neighborhood. (Our neighborhood was packed with children from school.) I always had someone to play with. Neighborhood children came to the house and asked, "Can I play with the twin in my class?"

Robin was in a class where nearly all the children were from outside our neighborhood. They were bussed to the school. Consequently, she never felt close to all the kids in our own neighborhood. Mom always arranged "play dates" for Robin, droving three or more miles to pick up Robin’s friends.

I became the "groupie," with many friends and comfortable in groups. Robin became the "loner," usually with only a best friend and comfortable being by herself or with one good friend.

Let’s take a look at the principal’s second statement: "We don't compare twins." Right! It's human nature to compare twins. Why? Because people want to know how to tell them apart. When twins are compared, people see similarities and differences. They figure out which twin twirls her hair, or dips her head when smiling. During our elementary years, because Robin and I were never together, people never identified our similarities or differences. Consequently, all during elementary school we were known as "the twins," not as Robin and Richelle.

In the spring of seventh grade, we moved from a large city in a metropolitan area to a small town. It was a new state and we looked forward to a new school, home, and hopefully, friends.

Two identical teenagers frowned. Each stood beside her dad. One twisted a ring on her middle finger. The other twisted her hair behind her right ear. Four blue eyes stared as their father enrolled his twin daughters in seventh grade.

The principal looked directly at our father and said, "Your daughters have the same classes. We don’t put twins together. It’s our policy to separate twins."

Dad looked directly at the principal and said, "I'm a taxpayer and this is a public school. correct? My wife and I have a policy regarding our twin daughters. Our twins will stay together. They will be in the same classes."

Yes! We were finally together and that is what saved us. You see, our father and mother knew that in this rural town and small school, kids already knew one another; they already had a sense of belonging. In this small school, there were only two ways to "get in" and "belong." Either you had to have been born in the town, or be known as a “partier” who drank or smoked pot. We were neither.

Our first day in seventh grade, kids threw rocks at us. They called us "Richie Bitchies" because we lived near the golf course. We had no one but each other to turn to, and we quickly became best friends. We were social outcasts, but there were two of us so we were essentially our own group.

Eventually our little clique of two grew to six, then 12, then into the teens over a three-year span. Our group accepted "outsiders" who hadn't been born in town and who didn't smoke pot or drink.

Most surprising, within our group the kids didn’t call us "the twins." They called us Robin and Richelle. All our friends could tell us apart. They saw our similarities and differences. They compared us, and because they compared us, they knew us as individuals.

Now fast forward 30 years. My twin sister and I are elementary teachers in two different schools, in two different cities, in two different states. We have our own policy that we passionately express to principals and parents: "Keep twins together so people CAN compare them and learn to see them as individuals."

In our classrooms we teach our pupils that comparing students makes for a fantastic math lesson. Collect data from your class, sort and place the data in symbolic graphs, and compare the information. Compare hair and eye color, height, favorite foods, activities, etc. When you compare students, the individual characteristics of each student (especially twins) is clearly seen.

Here's my message to all parents with twins: "Keep twins together in school. Celebrate their unique and special bond. Become an advocate for your twin sons or daughters. Schools will often try to automatically separate twins without asking the parent’s preference."

My twin sister and I have become advocates for keeping twins together. Because of our personal experiences, we have a different point of view.

Email to Twins Message Board: "I am a twin and I also have 8-year-old twins. My mother separated my twin brother and me from first grade, and it did me more harm than good. I remember even at that young age of constantly wondering his well-being. I was always a mess worrying about him, and could not ever concentrate on my own studies.

"I think this whole thing about twins 'finding their own identity' by separating them is just an easy solution for folks who are not familiar with twins. Separating them makes it easier to handle things.

"With my own twins, I homeschooled them until the this year (third grade—age 8). Fortunately the principal of the school they went into was a twin too, and honored my wishes to keep them together—not because they '‘can’t do without each other,' but because they’re better together. "The example that comes to mind is when you go to your husband’s company Christmas party and you don't know a single person there–you don't have to have him right under your armpit in order to relax and have a good time, but it is more comfortable if you can look across the room and see he is there in the same room—it brings you comfort and makes you less anxious.

"Anyway, I think that a mother knows her twins best and should be the one to make that decision. If you are a mother of twins and unsure about whether your twins should be kept together or separated, then see if the school will work with you—if you think you should separate them, do it for a few days and see how it works. If it doesn’t seem to 'fit' for them, then put them together in the same classroom."

Judy Anderson
North Carolina